Accomplishing Love

By Valeska Toro

When I first started coaching, love wasn’t even on my list of things I wanted to accomplish. I had been dating, unsuccessfully, for three years. At that point, I thought, it was better for me to focus on what I could control. I fully believe, and still do, that I could do anything. I could lead multi-million dollar initiatives and a team of one hundred engineers. I could build a startup from scratch. I can make the impossible happen. But my love life, there was nothing I could do about that. That was fully out of my control.
 
So, I didn’t even mention it. I didn’t even mention that I wanted to have love in my life – let alone a committed partner or family in the future. I was afraid. I was afraid to declare things in my life that I didn’t think were possible for me, because they were outside of my control.
 
It’s a numbers game they say. Date after date after date, they all ended the same. I would match with someone. We would meet for coffee or drinks. We would have a decent conversation about work and future vacations and dating in New York. The night would end with a kiss and that would be it. The person was nice. The conversations were nice, but there would never be any connection.
 
My first response was to blame everyone. All men in New York City suck. People suck. Dating sucks. Dating apps suck. My second response was to blame myself. Maybe I am just too much
for people. I am not pretty enough or smart enough or have enough degrees. I am not a model. I don’t photograph well on Instagram.
 
It wasn’t until I started working with a coach that I started unpacking all of the things I was carrying with me to my dates.
 
I was carrying negative energy with me without even knowing it. Deep inside, I was almost dreading going on dates. I had to take little breaks in between dating to gather the energy to try again.
 
I was carrying so much self-doubt. How could anyone see me and love me?
 
I was carrying the pain of past relationships.
 
I was carrying judgement. The same judgement I was using to criticize myself, I was using on other people.
 
I was carrying a wall - a guard that protected me from letting others see me as a real, vulnerable person.
 
So how? How could I ever possibly find connection? How could I love or be loved, if I couldn’t love myself first?

 
Many times, we think that connection is something mystical and unattainable. Many times, we believe that connection is something we cannot work on or control. But I will tell you this: Connection starts with YOU. It starts with you being open and aware of your own thoughts about love and your own beliefs of your self-worth.
 
It begins with looking deep inside and learning, over time, to find love and compassion for yourself first. To let go of judgements, to take down the wall and to finally be brave enough to let people in.
 
Last night, love stopped by with flowers and wine in hand. I looked at him in amazement because I still struggle to believe it. I struggle to believe that this is real and that I am deserving of love. But it is here and it is real, and all we can do once we have opened ourselves up for love is to learn to hold and accept it. Because all of us are worthy of love.
 
I’m excited to announce that I am joining DEEP as a founding coach. DEEP is the first dating platform with relationship coaches, focused on making the dating experience positive, supportive, and - most importantly - personal. 
 
Vana and I have talked extensively about coaching and the impact that it has had in our own lives. Our goal with DEEP is to help people access the same gift of self-love, and trust, and connection through coaching.
 
DEEP is the human dating app that focuses on you. We encourage you to stop reacting. Stop focusing on finding as many dates as possible. Resist your FOMO. Instead, just dig deep into who YOU are and what YOU want. That’s our mantra. Enough worrying about finding the perfect person. Let’s start off by focusing on you. By figuring out what you want and need. And then everything else will fall into place. Somehow - maybe ironically - it is usually when we are not looking for love that we miraculously find it.